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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
How funny!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*