Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
You Might Also Like
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Monday Lisa
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?