If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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ᴱ
ᴱ
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ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that