I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.