Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
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My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
How long do you have to wait between naps?