Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”