Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?