A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”