Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
You Might Also Like
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.