The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?