4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!