SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Lassie, get help!
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale