Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.