Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You Might Also Like
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
pat pat
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.