The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
You Might Also Like
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Probably my best painting.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him