Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”