My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
#merica
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Pretty much! 😂👀
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet