Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood