This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“TGIM!” – My liver
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
All set.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch