“i am a sweet baby”
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!