DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….