The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Ain’t no way
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Bootstraps
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Something Saturday.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”