In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The game has officially changed 😎
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I think this cat is broken
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet