What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM