I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope