There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
You Might Also Like
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
why isn’t he texting back
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”