“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
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therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now