ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.