If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.