“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
No. He’s not coming out to play
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
The Birdles
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.