“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
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Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.