“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD