Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Catercrombie & Fish
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Smile they said.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: