Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
This forever.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter