GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.