ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse