Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
incredible text to wake up to
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
i love meeting boys on tinder