My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”