Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
You Might Also Like
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”