Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.