Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You Might Also Like
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish