People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.