Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
WWE is French for “yes”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.