Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You Might Also Like
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me :
All Day At Night
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation