This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Legend 🤣🤣
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same