*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!