My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.