therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler