“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves