I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Love this guy
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.